10 Things PTSD Has Taught Me

This was one of the first blog posts I ever wrote. I wrote it 6 years ago but unfortunately, I did not save this one to my hard drive. I think I have most of it from memory though. There are just certain things in life you never really forget. Anyway, here we go.

1. I am NOT my illness: It took a long time for me to get to this point where I recognize that my illness is just one aspect of who I am - a very small aspect. It used to take such a huge chunk of me. At the worst of it, I was fighting with myself every day. After 15 years though, while it isn’t completely gone, I have finally shrunk the bitch down to the size of a stress ball.

2. Depression and Anxiety come with the territory: This is part of the package I’m afraid. In the beginning, this was terrible. Most of my anxiety revolves around my parenting and my children. The adults in my life having failed to protect me (most of the time), Protecting my kids is my top priority - and my worst fear is failing to do so. Depression sets in alongside that anxiety and well, I’ve accepted that this will always be there. Over the years, I have developed good skills to work through it, but it’s there.

3. I will ALWAYS have certain triggers that will NEVER go away: My triggers used to be really bad. I mean, REALLY BAD! Every single day I was triggered and most of the time I didn’t see them coming. I didn’t know what brought them on so I couldn’t head them off. I have much better skills now and can combat them - Most of the time - but they are always going to be a part of me.

4. The symptoms of PTSD vary for everyone: Meaning, no two people are going to experience PTSD, or any mental illness for that matter, in the same way. The simple reason for this: No two people are alike. I say this knowing that my experience won’t necessarily be someone else’s. It’s humbling to recognize that.

5. There is a light at the end of the tunnel: 15+ years ago I didn’t think it was possible. It felt like every time I found that light, the darkness would just pull me back and that pull would take me further into that darkness. Part of me didn’t want to leave. It’s counterintuitive but I found comfort in that darkness. I finally found my light though. So I know it’s possible. Never thought I’d say that.

6. Forgiveness is also possible: This is something that probably took me the longest to find my way to, even after I found that light. There are people who hurt me as a child that I didn’t think I would ever forgive. When I finally did though, I realized that I didn’t need to forgive them for them. I needed to do that for myself so that I could move on and find my own happiness.

7. Happiness is totally within reach: It used to be that I didn’t even understand the concept of happiness. It certainly wasn’t something I thought I would ever have in my life, though wanting it was always there. I used to imagine I would be happy someday but I didn’t know what that looked like. It took me a long ass time and while my life is far from perfect, I understand that life doesn’t have to be roses and kittens in order for me to be happy. I found my own happiness!

8. Healing from PTSD took A LOT of work and required some really uncomfortable moments: But at the end of the day, it was ALL worth it!!! I confronted my demons. I fought them and while they aren’t totally gone, I defeated them - locked up tight in chains in a dark red chest surrounded by fire!

9. My Demons will ALWAYS be there: But they no longer control me! One of my worst demons is my rage. The rage I used to feel with anyone who so much as looked at me or my children the wrong way prevented me from being happy. That particular demon kept me from being the parent I wanted to be; the person I wanted to be. I am happy to say that demon especially, locked in that chest and she’s not coming out anytime soon!

10. I got this: I was brought into a hellish world and raise with the Devil in my house but through it all, I somehow survived and made it out on the other side stronger - and happier - than I ever could have imagined. I am a warrior. I got this!!

I hope this helps someone somewhere out there. I wish, even if only one person, that this gives someone out there hope. How do you look at mental illness?

These two songs sum this up pretty well:

Thank so much for reading!